Giving up control over one's life is not something that is considered healthy in the mainstream of society but in the BDSM lifestyles it's not only common, it's expected to be part of the way we relate to each other. It's an integral part of the power exchange that happens even in a sadomasochistic play session that only lasts an hour. After all, one person has to let the other 'hurt' them don't they? In this article I will be going through the types of control that occur in the BDSM lifestyles, from self-control to Total Power Exchange.
Dominant's Self-control
Most important for a Dominant is self-control. As a Dominant, you are expected to be in control of yourself. After all, how can you be responsible for someone else if you can't manage yourself?
My first advice to the novice Dominant is to not get so excited by all the wonderful new activities and people on offer that you forget your common sense and manners. Running around like a monkey in a banana plantation, grabbing as many fruit as possible, only to drop the ones in your arms to reach for another seemingly more attractive one is pointless and makes you look desperate and greedy. Not an attractive character trait to most people. Stand back, observe, watch what others are doing but never assume because they do it you can do it too. You don't know who has given permission and control, and to whom it has been given.
For example, a Dominant who approaches another's submissive for play, without his or her Dominant's permission will get told off, or worse. My advice? Just don't approach submissives without first doing your homework about them, and finding out their affiliations beforehand.You wouldn't go up to a person in a bar and ask for sex straight out, so why would you walk up to someone in a BDSM club expecting them to play because you want to? Use some commonsense and good manners, it'll get you a lot further than being pushy or demanding.
Look, ask, listen, and learn
If you can, find more experienced people who are willing to mentor you and ask as many questions as you need to. Some of what you observe and hear may not be to your liking or could shock you, but put aside judgements and listen and absorb. It's their world and you want to be a part of it. It's not uncommon for a newbie to consider an activity revolting when they start playing, only to find two years later the same person thinks the activity the hottest thing ever used in play.
A submissive woman of my acquaintance used to think hot wax on the breasts would feel awful, until her Master did it to her. Suddenly her enthusiasm for wax play was boundless! So don't limit yourself, just accept that what might not interest you now could change at a later date.
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