Same-Sex Relationships and BDSM

There are many issues surrounding the BDSM lifestyle, and one which rarely gets a mention is the difference between same-sex and opposite sex relationship dynamics, and the reactions of other players.

What I mean by this is that many kinksters who are same-sex attracted or more simply queer (and I am including Trans* people in this broad “queer” category) feel that they must behave in a certain way around straight players, for fear of being ridiculed, not taken seriously, fetishised (not in a good way), or stereotyped.

Public Play

In a public play setting many queer women feel that their play is fetishised by the straight men in the room, that they attract a drooling male audience which other sorts of play doesn't attract. For many queer women this makes them uncomfortable, and thus does not allow them to be totally in the scene and can reduce their overall enjoyment.

At the same time what women do in a women's only scene may be markedly different from what occurs in other scenes, for example a predominance for blood play (including but not limited to menstral blood), and fisting. There is also often a feeling that women playing together are doing this simply for male attention, which makes many queer women angry. Men in these situations need to be respectful of female sexual freedom, and understand that they are doing the scene for their own reasons, not to impress onlookers or to attract males to the scene.

In the same context, male only scenes can often be more restricted when there are women present. Many queer men will feel that they play differently in the presence of women, and this changes the sort of scene they will participate in, in a non-gendered play space, or makes them more wary and less able to enjoy the scene.

It can also be an issue that a straight player is not entirely comfortable, or at least not used to a queer presence, and may react in a negative way to a same-sex scene. This is not always intentional, that is, the straight player may not be explicitly homophobic, but may feel confronted none the less.

Unfortunately in a homophobic/queerphobic society there will always be people who are openly uncomfortable with queers or who are not used to having to deal with queer play.

In a wider context

In a more long term sense, many same-sex M/s or D/s relationships may feel pressure from the straight BDSM community to behave in a certain way. Some players may feel that D/s roles are defined predominantly by gender, and thus a same sex relationship must be less stable in some way. Similarly many queers in same sex relationships feel a lot of pressure to have a so-called “perfect relationship”, which can lead to tension in the relationship.

Some kinksters may feel that same-sex long term relationships should be defined in a certain way, for example a bear (dominant) and a sissy boy (submissive), or a butch dyke (dominant) and a lipstick lesbian (submissive). But as many players will know, what you look like in the 'real' world often doesn't correlate to who you are in a BDSM situation. Apart from this, switch players take on different roles in different situations but this doesn't make them any more or less of the role they're currently fulfilling.

My experience has always been that BDSM play and lifestyle are as individual as the people in it. The hot, hot fetish of one person is the hard limit of another person, and this applies in both same-sex and opposite sex relationships.

The fact is that people will make their relationships what they want them to be, queer or not, monogamous or not, long term or casual, and we, as the kinkster minority in society, need to accept the choices people make without prejudice. Queer BDSMers should feel safe to express their sexuality in their own way in any group of players, and if that makes others uncomfortable then perhaps those individuals might consider leaving, moving away from the scene.

The queer community in BDSM also needs to come to terms with being the minority within a minority, and be comfortable within themselves to express their relationships in a way they find most fulfilling, regardless of the judgment of other kinksters or society as a whole. The only way 'mainstream' kinky society will get used to queer relationships is to have a queer presence.

Queer relationships hold to the same Safe, Sane and Consensual etiquette that all BDSMers follow. We are not different because we are same-sex attracted, and we are not different because we want to express our relationships in ways that are different. Having said this, I have found the BDSM community to be the most accepting and understand of queer choices, but issues still exist with some aspects of serious queer relationships, and especially for trans* people, who are more than just cross-dressers and need to be respected.

Postscript

What to do if a person of the same sex 'makes moves' on you, and you don't want to accept?

I have to say that in this situation the same rules apply as to when a person of the opposite sex is making advances to which you don't want to respond. A gentle 'no thanks', or 'no thanks, I'm straight', 'no thanks, I'm in a relationship', 'no thanks, that's not my thing' is generally appropriate. It's really up to your own discretion but you needn't feel that someone will force themselves upon you because they're queer. You should feel flattered, but not threatened. For the most part queers are very hesitant to make advances on persons of the same sex for the simple reason that a large majority will turn them down, but they are still just people and if you can politely let them know you aren't interested without feeling threatened that is the best advice I can give. (F)